Many married couples are busy. Work, housekeeping, caring for children (homework, sports), sports, social commitments. You are happy to have a moment to yourself. Sex slips in more and more often. If it is not because there is simply no time for it, it is because you are tired of everyday worries. Spontaneous sex has not happened for a long time, even though there are real physical needs. So could you put sex on the agenda?
Breaking the rut scheduled
Before you know it, it will be there: the rut. Popular tradition says it comes after seven years, but research (2014) suggests it comes after 10. But come it does. The spontaneity is gone. Partners often can’t remember the last time they received a compliment and sex slips away. When you were newly married and had no children yet, you might have done it every day, or at least two to three times a week. Now you’re happy if it’s once a month. Because then, when you have time, one of you just doesn’t feel like it.
The diary is full. During the week, you have meetings in the evening, parents’ evenings, you play sports, and in the weekend you meet up with friends, the housework has to be done and the car washed. Busy, busy, busy.
Does it help to put a block in the diary once a month for sex? A relationship requires investment of time and attention, and why shouldn’t you be able to schedule it?
The disadvantages of scheduled sex
Planned sex is not romantic. If you don’t feel like it anyway, then having scheduled sex is about as exciting as going to the dentist. And that’s only twice a year and certainly not every Saturday night.
How often should you actually schedule sex? Maybe one of you two wants it every week, while the other doesn’t really want it at all (and then agrees to once a month as a compromise).
Then the time has finally come. The lovely evening has come. But one of the two actually prefers to “cancel” or skip anyway. Again the whining and tugging begins (“but we had agreed”). Actually, nothing has changed. You are still arguing about (lack of) sex, only the rules of the game have changed.
Planned sex can feel like sex without empathy and love. The person with the least desire then feels used or a prostitute. This only decreases the appetite for sex even more. And the person who feels most like sex doesn’t really get the feeling that it is meant either. He or she ‘may’ reach his orgasm for a while, but it still feels unsatisfying.
Scheduling sex when something else is actually wrong in your relationship is never a good idea. If there are relationship problems, or if one is angry with the other, you won’t solve it with a planned night of fucking.
So when to schedule sex anyway?
Scheduling sex is indeed possible. Especially if you both need intimacy and sex, but somehow just don’t get around to it. This could be because you both have alternating shifts (one of you has an evening shift and the other does not).
Scheduling sex and intimacy feels like an investment in your relationship for both of you. It’s not so much about the act, but about the connection you don’t want to lose.
Scheduling sex is also a great way to get in the mood. It may sound strange, but if you schedule enough time (say a whole day and night), you can start with a romantic breakfast in bed, shop together (for sex toys), drive each other crazy all day and then come to splashing sex in bed in the evening. Therefore, scheduling sex is an excellent idea for people who need lots of foreplay to get in the mood.
Scheduling sex can also be a motivation to schedule other things. Make a list of things you want to do together and alone (going out, exercising, time alone, sex). Schedule all those things on fixed evenings. Thursday sports, Friday night sports, Saturday during the day time alone and Saturday night fucking. This way, all needs are met and not just physical sexual needs.
Tips for scheduling sex
If you want to schedule sex, observe the following tips:
- Take a weekday off when the children go to school and after-school care. Or schedule a whole Sunday and take the kids to a friend’s/grandma’s/sitter’s house. This way, you make sure you will definitely not be disturbed.
- Acknowledge the difference in libido. Be understanding of each other’s situation and express that. See scheduling sex as a gesture to each other without it feeling like a sacrifice. Make sure scheduled sex doesn’t feel like an obligation. It is less about the sex than the intimacy and attention to each other. The sex will follow naturally and maybe the passion and desire will come back more naturally.
- The more sex you have, the more often you want it. Especially if the sex is good. By having planned sex, the (spontaneous) need for sex can come back.
- Talk to each other about your needs. Over time, your needs may change. What your partner liked ten years ago may have become too ordinary now. Maybe you or your partner would like to try something new? Express that and be open to experimenting. Ask your partner what you can do to make it more enjoyable for him or her and try to carry out the answer at least once (without sulking).
- Don’t schedule sex on a fixed day, but plan sex implicitly. So not ‘every Friday night after the late-night news’, but ‘if I am awake before you and the children are still asleep, I will initiate sex’. Then it will feel less like an obligation and more like a spontaneous activity.
- Plan considerable time. Make sure you take enough time for a nice bath, a massage, long lovemaking, foreplay, afterplay and maybe a second round, or third, or …
- Provide atmosphere. Clean up the bedroom, change the sheets, light a scented candle, put on some music, dim the lights, put some flowers on the bedside table.
- Play role-play. It’s funny and exciting. Play the butler, chambermaid, nurse, masters, masseur, gigolo, cop, …
- Make your sex life even more fun with sex toys. Our website has several tips on sex toys. And in our online shop you can find lots of different articles. Something for everyone. If you still can’t choose, try one of the many packages.
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