There are so many misconceptions about foreplay. Women would need it in order to achieve an orgasm and men would totally have no need for it. Wrong. Research shows that men need just as much foreplay as women and female orgasm is not depending on the length of foreplay. But then, what is foreplay exactly? What is the importance of foreplay and what actions are part of it? When does foreplay begin and when does sex?
Define foreplay
Foreplay is often defined as ‘all physical acts, that serve as a means to generate desire in preparation of sexual intercourse (fucking), or other acts that lead to climax’. Acts that can be classified as foreplay are for example (French) kissing, jerking off, fingering, oral sex, and dirty talk. But also bondage, caressing, fetishism, spanking, and striptease often count as foreplay.
Still, most sexologists don’t agree with the distinction between ‘foreplay’ and ‘sex’. It would put the emphasis on ‘the deed’ (fucking). That may have been obvious in an era where sex was all about reproduction. At that time foreplay may have been the ‘appetizer’ before the ‘main course’. But in the meantime we all agree that sex is more than fucking. Besides, that definition implicitly assumes that sex is over after fucking (or orgasm), while there is nothing more enjoyable than continuing to make love just then.
That is why we will assume that foreplay involves all acts to generate arousal, irrespective whether is takes place before or after fucking, or when there might even be no orgasm in the end.
When does foreplay begin, or end?
Foreplay means different things for different people. Ideally foreplay should start (over) after each orgasm. Courting should not stop when ‘the golden ticket’ was won.
Thanks to the old fashioned believe, that is based on our sex ed, we often think that partners start at ‘0’, and with a little kissing and caressing we can warm them up for penis-in-vagina. For many people this might be just about what foreplay is. But for couples where not one of the partners has a penis and the other no vagina, this isn’t an accurate representation of facts. But even in more traditional relationships, things aren’t always black and white.
So, if we just let go for a minute that foreplay is the ‘opening act’ before the ‘main event’ begins, sex can become really interesting. Suddenly, foreplay may become the most important and orgasms might even become the sideshow. Consider for a moment that you can interrupt penetration for oral sex, that you can postpone orgasm through edging, that you can tease each other with words and that you can continue penetration again. And after orgasm you can start over with arousing your partner again with a striptease of letting him or her watch while you play with yourself.
Exactly! Foreplay doesn’t really have a beginning nor end. Even if you just said goodbye and went to your respective houses, foreplay doesn’t need to end. Just then you can start again with warming each other up for the next time you will meet.
Aphrodisiac: foreplay 2.0
When we consider foreplay to be ‘all activities that will turn you and your partner on’, there are many different ways to achieve this. In the end, arousal is all in between our ears, so the most important thing is to blow your partner’s mind. And there are many different ways to do that:
Words
Using words may just be the most distinctive way to blow your partner’s (and your own) mind. You may share fantasies, make promises, express desires, compliment, or talk dirty. You might need to overcome trepidation to directly say what you want, but consider using words in WhatsApp or social media.
Footage
As long as you are on social media, you might as well send an explicit photo or video. But please keep your safety in mind. You don’t want your photos be made public, or extorted with your private pictures.
Photography is not only arousing when you are distant from each other. It can be extremely exciting to do your own photo shoot, or making a porno. Stand behind the camera while your partner performs a striptease, or plays with him- or herself, and then switch roles.
Body language
Being seductive with body language might also require you to get out of your comfort zone. You need some self confidence to literally expose yourself. Wet your lips, move sensually, look seductive, touch yourself, perform, do a lap dance. For many people, watching is very exciting. When your partner is a visual person, you may turn hi or her on by letting your body speak for you.
Clothing
It might seem strange, but clothing can be very important during foreplay. Undress slowly, wear sexy lingerie, act out a some role playing in a sexy costume. A tie can become a blindfold, and a belt can be used for bondage or spanking. Be creative with clothing!
Caressing, kissing, licking, biting
Once you are into physical contact, don’t go straight to the target. The skin is the largest erogenous zone! When the right tension is there, touching someone’s fingers or earlobe can be very erotic. And so is touching yourself while your partner is watching.
Just let go. Lick, kiss, bite, sip, slurp, suck, caress, pinch, squeeze, feed, scratch, massage. Don’t miss a spot. Not with yourself, and not with your partner.
Sex toys
Sex toys can also be very effective during foreplay. Think about warming clit gel, wearing ben wa balls, a buttplug or other sex toys under your clothing. A vibrator is a perfect toy to turn your partner on.
Bondage and kink
There might be no better way to stimulate the senses of your partner by teasing. And what better way than by tying your partner up? This way your partner is forced to watch and undergo what it is you have in mind. How far you will take this, depends only on your preferences and that of your partner.
So, just forget about the distinction between foreplay and sex. Let go of traditional values and simply enjoy. Diversify. Follow your instincts.
Marc van Lier
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