Dating with new partner material is exciting. Do you have ‘a click’, do you share the same interests? And – not unimportantly – do you think alike about sex? Because sex may not be the most important thing in a relationship, but if you are incompatible between the sheets, it could just end up being a disappointment. But how do you find out?
Sex. Is that a thing you can sense?
I recently overheard a more or less well-known rapper at a talk show, At the table he said that “you shouldn’t talk too much about sex”, because “you just have to – like – sense that, right?”
**buzzer sound** WRONG
Of course it is nice to explore each other literally and figuratively. But sex only becomes really awesome if you are able to have a good conversation about it. Also, if you already have a lot of experience, the pitfall is that you think you know what the other person will like. “Because your ex thought that was great too.”
But not everyone is the same. Sex is something very personal. And most of the time you cannot see from the outside what needs, wishes, fantasies or desires someone has.
So, OK. It’s going to be talking. Or better yet, communicating.
What should you talk about then?
Well … about everything. What is your new partner’s attitude to sex? What does sex mean to him or her? If you’re going to have sex later, is that just casual sex, or is that an indication of a relationship or even love? What are the expectations about monogamy? Are you going to have sex with others too?
But also: what is ‘safe sex’ for you? Is that fucking with a condom, or does that also include being tested before you’re going at it for the first time? And what about safe oral sex? Has the other person ever had himself tested? When was that and what was the result?
Then you can start talking about more intimate things, such as’ how do you prefer to be touched? What really gets you excited? What is your favorite position?
But also, what are absolute limits that you would never want to cross? What are things that you have never done before, but that you would like to experience? And are there also borderline cases, or things that you are not sure about?
And if you find out during the conversation that you also like a bit of kink and BDSM, then this is also the time to talk about borders and safewords.
Is there anything that you should not ask or say?
Nope. It is better to get everything out in the open now than to regret later that you did not say or ask certain things.
How do you do that: talk about sex with someone you barely know (yet)?
Sex does not have to be the first topic on the agenda on your first date. But don’t wait until both of you are already undressed and ready to jump into bed, either. It is a known fact that people who are horny take more risk.
You better have this conversation in a safe environment, in a place where you certainly will not have sex. For example on the road in the car (OK, bad example), or at the kitchen table (again: bad example), on a bench in the park, somewhere in a pub … at least in a place where you can have an honest conversation in complete openness.
Try to keep the conversation light. Your conversation partner may feel uncomfortable with the subject. Indicate that you are curious and that you want to get to know each other better, before the time comes. For example, start with a game of ‘truth or dare‘. First ask for more general things and then work slowly towards the subject of ‘sex’. Then ask things like ‘what is your favorite position?’ or ‘what sex toys do you have?’
If you find it very uncomfortable to bring up sex, consider doing it through text. The advantage of WhatsApp, Twitter DM, or e-mail if necessary, is that you can formulate your words carefully and the other person does not see that you get a little red on the cheeks. But remember that the recipient can also have someone else read your messages. So always be careful with social media.
Do’s & Don’ts
- Encourage each other
- Start lightly
- Give the right example
- Call the spade by its name
- Show respect and consideration
- Use the LSD technique: Listening, Summarizing, Dug deeper
- Be honest and curious
… but not this
- Don’t laugh at the other person (“haha, really? Have you honestly never done that?”)
- Do not try to judge the other person (“You pervert!”)
- Only ask questions, but evade answers yourself