We live in complicated times. I realize this all too well. For us women it is only normal that a man needs to respect us and we expect – no, demand – that a man has his reservations towards women. Us women are no sex toy; no object whos sole purpose on this earth is to serve and pleasure him. Women and men are equal. But on the other hand some men mistakenly believe that have started this whole #metoo discussion to be able to refrain from sex. For us women there is no contradiction or inconsistency. Of course women like sex. Perhaps in a different way than men. Men want clarity. They ask themselves how on earth they can be a good lover, when women are so demanding. Do women want a true gentleman, that continuously asks if she is alright with the next step, or do they want some Christian Grey type that fucks her in every corner of the room and pulls her completely apart? For those men that ask themselves how they can be a good lover, I have put some of my personal tips below.

Not all women are alike

Perhaps the most important thing a good lover needs to realize, is that not all women are the same. Or rather: all women are not the same. What your ex liked, is not necessarily something that will turn your new partner on. That little trick you used to do with that one woman, could have the opposite effect on another. And the other way around. In fact, today’s needs of your girlfriend can be different from yesterday’s. And it will change over the years to come.

It’s a little bit like with music. Everybody has its own taste for music and the songs you listen to are dependent on the mood you are in. One day that may be an up tempo dance track, and the other dat it may be some dramatic opera. It is very likely that in ten years time, you won’t be listening to the songs you like today.

It may be a little bit to much to ask to say that a good lover must be able to sense this. Meanwhile, I learned the hard way,  I know that men aren’t mind readers. But as a man you can be sensitive and emphatic. Pay attention to her reaction. Does her breath accelerate? Does she relax? What can you tell from her movements? Does she approach you or does she distant you? And if you’re not sure: ask.

But be careful you don’t overdo it. Go with the flow. It doesn’t matter if your plans for tonight are not going as you imagined and not all positions you had in mind were dealt with. Relax. Have fun.

Variety and fantasies

If there’s one thing that is killing in a relationship, it is routine. Everytime the same positions, at the same time and on the same location…. at a certain point it will start to get boring. If you’re having steak and fries every night, you will have the desire for a salade after a while.

A good lover ensures there’s enough variety. He surprises his partner in every aspect. That requires creativity, resourcefulness, and a lot of guts. Try something different, perform another position. Maybe you won’t like it, and that is good to know for the next time. Be light on it, it’s not the end of the world. Say ‘sorry’ and try something different.

You can also bring some variety to the bedroom with sex toys. By a good lube with additives that tingle or glow. Treat your partner on a full body massage. Get yourself a true assortment of sex toys. I would advise yuo to have at least the following items in your bedside table:

• a vibrator for external use, like a bullet vibrator, or a clitoral vibrator, or – if she is into more extreme vibrations – a wand vibrator;
• a dildo of glass or metal;
• a vibrator for penetration, such as a G-spot vibrator;
• if she is into anal: a buttplug or anal beads.

On top of that, try to find out what fantasies your partner has. Almost every woman has fantasies, and a good lover can help to make some of them come true. Common fantasies that women have are:

• Sex with complete strangers. Act out a role playing game, for example when you go out en you approach her like you have never seen her before.
• Submissiveness. If your partner is into this, consider tieing her to the bed.
• Hard uninhibited sex.
• Spanking.
• Sex on exciting places.
• Dominate; Let her be in control for a change.

Try to find out what turns her on, but vary the things you do and let her fantasies come true. Ask her in a non-sexual setting (for example when you are out to dinner) what movie or book turned her on, what it was exactly that excited her and if she would like to experience that in real life. If she says no, ask her why not, or what would you like to try? Be open minded and unbiased. Rather say “”I have never heard of that / I have never done that, let’s try that sometimes” than “you want me to do what?”.

Foreplay

For some men, foreplay starts the moment you undress. But a good lover knows that foreplay is something that can be done all the time. Whisper sweet (or naughty) words in her ear, send her text messages, compliment her, open the door for her, pull out her chair, casually touch her, give her kisses (in het neck), in short: give her some attention.

The biggest complaints women have over their partners is that they don’t see her anymore and take her for granted. Let her know regularly what it is you like about her and how attractive she is to you. Especially in places where you can’t have sex, it can be extra exciting to turn each other on. Give her some dirty talk. Tell her what you’d like to do. Foreplay can take days this way and the anticipation makes it extra exciting.

Then, when you are finally get it on, foreplay may be even more important that penetration itself. A good foreplay causes her to produce certain hormones that turn her on. A good lover doesn’t go straight to his target, but let’s her yearn. Make it sensual, by adoring her entire body.

Maak er een sensueel geheel van, door haar hele lichaam te aanbidden.

Stamina

Another complaint women have is that sex lasts for only a couple of minutes. Consider that the average women needs something like 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to even get an orgasm. If women say size doesn’t matter, it is because they mean that the performance and endurance is more important. After a woman has reached an orgasm, she enters a so called plateau phase. Unlike with men, her excitement doesn’t totally reduce. By stimulating her in this phase, she can reach a second orgasm quite swiftly.

A good lover needs stamina. And stamina doesn’t grow on trees. You need to exercise (cardio, power training) and a good diet.

To last longer a different mindset is of importance. Sex is not so much about scoring or getting laid, nor is it about fulfilling your marital obligations. It shouldn’t be an end in itself to give your partner an orgasm. A good lover knows it is all about two people being together. To have fun together.