Recent research by eHarmony on expectations of people who are dating found that as many as 44% would like to watch porn with a partner sometime. Why not? Not only is it a great way to get aroused together, it’s also an exciting way to find out from each other what makes you horny. But bringing up the subject can be quite uncomfortable. So, how do you go about that, watching porn together?
Benefits of watching porn together
A 2017 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior found that porn can help you learn more about sexual health, get new sexual ideas, improve your technique in bed and help you communicate what you like and don’t like. And another 2021 study in Frontiers in Psychology even found that couples who watch porn together say they have happier relationships and higher sexual satisfaction.
Awkward
Yet many people find it only uncomfortable to talk to their partner about watching porn. After all, talking about it requires you to be vulnerable and open-minded, and perhaps face (un)pleasant surprises. Because what if the other person has never watched porn before (the chances of that are virtually zero, but you never know)? Or what if the other person watches porn genres that fill you with disgust?
How to bring up watching porn together?
Before you surf to porn together, it is wise to talk to each other about watching porn first. Do so at a time when you both have time to talk about it and there are no other tensions. So pick a time and a place that’s convenient. For instance, start talking about a more light-hearted sex-related topic and bring up that watching porn.
For example, first ask something about what fun experiences your partner has had. Then ask if your partner sometimes watches porn. Then you can ask what genres your partner likes best. If those genres also appeal to you, you could ask if you could watch videos together that appeal to your partner.
Don’t make it a third-degree interrogation. Talk about what you watch too and let them know what you are ‘into’ for. It shouldn’t feel accusatory (“what? Are you watching that?”), but rather like curiosity to explore and maybe push your boundaries a little.
Embarrassment and boundaries
Remember that watching porn is a form of fantasy. It doesn’t mean that if someone watches a certain genre, that they would want to act it out. Some people find it exciting to watch a gangbang, but that doesn’t mean they would want to participate in it. Ask what the other person finds so arousing about it and whether your partner is okay with showing you some sample videos.
Also, porn movies are often not realistic. The positions were chosen earlier because the cameraman could reach them easily. In practice, these are not the positions that are most pleasurable to sustain for a long time. In that case, humor can be a good way to discuss the porn (“That one is sooo faking it!”, or “No way. That can’t possibly be good!”).
If your partner prefers to keep his or her porn habits to himself or herself, that has nothing to do with you or your bond. Everyone has their own boundaries and if your partner does not feel comfortable crossing or opening up those boundaries, that is his or her right. You can still ask why your partner is reluctant, but remember: no is no.
Okay, your partner does want to watch porn together. Now what?
Great! Your partner does want to try watching porn together. You can do several things now. If it still seems a step too far to watch together, ask for links to videos that your partner found really exciting. Also send links to videos that you found really exciting. Now talk to each other about what you thought of each other’s films.
You can also get behind your laptop together to look for films. You can also look for new porn together, from sites you haven’t visited before. Yes, you have to pay for some of those sites. But remember that you could also have gone to the cinema or out to dinner and that wouldn’t have been free either.
You might want to agree on your boundaries beforehand, just as you would if you were trying something new. For example, agree on a safeword, for when you feel boundaries are being crossed. Make sure you both agree to the links you click on. If either of you doesn’t want to see something, that’s okay.
Take turns searching for porn. You both have the right not to want to see something, but it’s helpful to take turns doing the searching so that both of your favourite genres are covered.
Also agree on what you will or will not do while watching (e.g. masturbate together, or imitate what you are watching?). Will you watch naked in bed, or dressed on the sofa? If you stream the porn on TV, close the curtains so that casual opposite neighbours or passers-by don’t have to enjoy it.
What if one of you turns out to have a kink?
The most important thing when you talk about sex together is not to judge. Your partner’s kink may not be your kink, but your partner’s kink is okay! Still, your tastes in porn may be completely different. That doesn’t mean you are incompatible as individuals. If one likes meat and the other is a vegetarian, you can still go out to dinner together.
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