Many people are pushing the boundaries of their sexuality. They experiment with clothes, sex toys, or bondage and some will also go to parties or clubs. As a result, they run up against various expressions such as kink, BDSM and fetish. These terms are often used interchangeably, which is why it might be useful to determine what those terms actually mean and how they differ.

Some people make a clear difference between a fetish and a kink. A kink is supposed to improve intimacy with a partner and a fetish to replace intimacy with a partner. People who use a 24/7 BDSM lifestyle often think that people who only occasionally do bondage or spanking should not call themselves a BDSM person. According to them, such casual BDSMers are just kinky. So, what is the deal?

Kink

You speak of a kink if there are unconventional sexual practices, fantasies or concepts. The word literally comes from a kink in a cable (a hitch) as if there is also a kink in your sexual behavior. Kinky sex is therefore a kind of opposite of vanilla sex.

The term kink is often used by people as a synonym for their sexual practices. That ranges from playful to fairly extreme fetishes. Anything that is out of the ordinary can be considered a kink. That also means that what one person thinks is kinky, can be considered completely normal by the other.

Fetish

Fetishism has several meanings. Anthropology refers to fetishism when an object is assigned certain supernatural or divine powers. Fetishism is also a form in which sexual pleasure is experienced with certain objects or rituals. In fashion, fetishism is often used in an alternative fashion style derived from sexual fetishism, for example with rubber, latex or leather.

Fetishism focuses on a fixation for an object, an action, or a (non-sexual) part of the body. That object is then called the fetish. The person who has a fetish for such an object is called a fetishist. The fetish helps the fetishist get sexually aroused. Sometimes such a fetish goes so far that it is hardly possible for the fetishist to live a normal life. For a small number of people, there may even be a psycho social disorder.

BDSM

BDSM is a form of sexual expression that uses physical and mental limitations, intense nerve impulses and fantasizing about or imposing power relationships and playing a role-playing game with mutual consent.

We previously explained that the abbreviation BDSM can be explained in different ways:

B: The ‘B’ stands for Bondage and that is the collective term for limiting freedom of movement – for example by strapping – to get (sexually) excited.

B&D: In combination with the ‘B’ of BDSM, the ‘D’ stands for Discipline. Bondage & Discipline are two aspects that belong together when it comes to activities that have to do with “limiting”. Bondage is about physical limitation and discipline is about mental limitation, by imposing “rules” and associated “punishments”. For example, a punishment can be getting beaten with a whip, but also “humiliation”.

D&S: The letters ‘D’ and ‘S’ stand for Dominance & Submission. People who love D&S are quite fans of the “shift” button on their keyboard. The dominant party is often capitalized and the submissive in lowercase. So D&s or D/s. The dominant party is also often referred to as Dom and the submissive by sub. A female Dom is called Dominatrix. D&S deals with behavior, customs and rituals that are related to giving and accepting control to and over each other in an erotic lifestyle. It is about exploring the mental aspects.

S&M: ‘S&M’ stands for sadomasochism, or for sadism and masochism. Unlike D&S, S&M is all about inflicting physical pain. Often the sadist is also the dominant party, but that isn’t necessarily true. It may be that a dominant masochist orders his submissive to torment him. And sometimes there is no question of a power relationship at all.

So, what is the difference?

If you look at the definitions above, you will not immediately see clear demarcations. While there are major differences, there is also an overlap between kink, fetish and BDSM. So you can be a BDSMer with a fetish for rubber and express it in a kinky way.

Or, you like kink and apply BDSM actions, but you do not go to the highest level of BDSM. For example, you have a kink that means you get excited from being blindfolded or tied up, or from giving or receiving spanking.

A fetish sometimes goes towards compulsion. A fetishist does not act from a certain choice, but from a compulsion. In it, a fetish goes beyond a kink. On the other hand, you can have a fetish for, for example, rubber masks, which in turn can be perfectly combined with a BDSM lifestyle. Or for high heels, which in turn fits well with certain kinks.

Fetishes occur for very diverse objects and actions. Some fetishists get excited when they see someone sneeze, or for My Little Pony characters. Unfortunately, there are many prejudices about fetishism. For example, many people assume that a fetishist cannot have a normal relationship or enjoy ‘normal’ vanilla sex. Nevertheless, studies by the Kinsey Institute show that this is an incorrect assumption. Most fetishists can also enjoy sex without their fetish according to these studies, but they do enjoy sex more if their fetish is included. The research also shows that people with a fetish often have a relationship and sometimes share their fetish with their partner. So, contrary of popular belief, a fetish is by no means a substitute for intimacy with a partner.

Do you have a fetish or a kink?

A lot of people, even people who consider themselves ‘vanilla’, have a fetish. For example, they get excited from a man in a suit, a woman in a nurse’s suit, a man in uniform, a woman in high heels, etc.

And why would you care about this semantic discussion? Enjoy sexuality in all its forms and the way you like it best.

Feel free to share your experience and your opinion below.