Whether you are new to each other, or have been in a relationship for years, everyone is sometimes unsure if their sexual desires match those of their partner. However, you might be surprised how common certain desires are. Maybe you think your partner does not like something at all, but it could be that you have similar thoughts in more areas than you can imagine. A so-called “yes, no, maybe list” can increase transparency in your relationship, and it helps to discover if you have similar interests.

What is a “yes, no, maybe list”?

A “yes, no, maybe list” is a listing of sexual acts that helps with communication between sexual partners. The list consists of four columns. The first column lists different sexual acts. Each of you completes the list separately from each other. If you are sure you want to perform an act from the list, then put a cross in the “YES” column. If you are not sure, but are open to it, then put a cross in the ‘MISSING’ column. If it is an act that you definitely don’t want to do, then put a cross in the ‘NO’ column.

After you and your sex partner fill out the list, you can compare them. If both of you have filled in a ‘YES’ to an act, then you can perform it together. If one of you filled in “YES,” and the other filled in “MISSING,” then it’s worth discussing. Why is the other person hesitating? If both of you have filled in ‘NO’ somewhere, then it is clearly an action that is outside your comfort zone. Still, it can help to discuss these activities as well, so you can better understand why your partner doesn’t want something.

What actions do you put on a “yes, no, maybe list”?

What all you put on such a list depends on how well you already know each other. Have you had sex with each other many times before and know where your interests lie a bit, or are you completely new to sex for each other? Have you been together for years, and do you think your interests may have changed over the years, then you can put new groundbreaking acts on such a list.

Above all, think outside the box. The best experiences can be had along the boundaries of what you already have experience with. Call things by their names and don’t be too scared.

List as many actions as you can, even things that may seem obvious. The longer the list, the more you will be forced to think outside the square.

For example, a list might include the following categories of actions:

1. Vanilla sex: Include “normal” sexual acts in this section, such as manual sex (fingering and jerking off), Penis-in-Vagina sex, oral (blowjobs, chewing).
2. Sex Poses: Consider missionary position, ’69’ position, doggy style, etc.
3. Locations: Where would you like to have sex, outside the bedroom? Think of the kitchen, on the stairs, in the park, in the car, but also for example in a couples club.
4. Soft-BDSM: tying up (wrists on the bed, legs spread, blindfold on, etc)
5. Sex toys: what sex toys do you want to use? Think dildos, vibrators, wall vibrators, butt plugs, as well as lube with or without stimulating additives.
6. Role-play, e.g. the doctor and the patient, the photographer and the model, etc.
7. Kink & BDSM, for more advanced sex off the beaten path.

For example, repeat this exercise every few months, as new experience can stimulate your need and curiosity. You can also make certain acts more specific in a subsequent list. For example, if you first wrote down “A threesome with an additional woman” and your partner answered “maybe,” then you can include in the next list acts that you could perform together with an additional woman to get more clarity about what you and your partner would like in that case.

Here’s how to make your own “yes, no, maybe list

Make a list with four columns. In the first column write down as many sexual acts as possible. Above the second column put ‘like’, above the third ‘maybe’ and above the fourth ‘no’. For example:

You might consider adding columns like “Fantasy” (to indicate that you fantasize about it, but wouldn’t want to implement it), or “Don’t Know” (to indicate that you’re not quite sure what it is).

…Or use this list as inspiration

Copy the above list and print it twice (one for you and one for your partner). If necessary, add to the list yourself with actions I forgot. And then: communicate! Have fun.

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Marc van Lier

As multi faceted as a Rubik's Cube. Wants to have a day off after every holliday. Has a bucket list that is smaller than his fucket list.

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