This week there was another interesting question in our mailbox from a loyal reader. The question was short and simple:
“Is it normal, when a man orgasmed including ejaculation, he would like to make love, but can’t get a hard-on for a while?”
The short answer is: Yes, that is normal.
The long answer is a bit more complicated. Because what is ‘normal’? Not everyone is the same, although almost every man is familiar with the phenomenon that after an orgasm he needs some time before he can put his soldier back in position and send him to the front for the attack. But there are also men who are able to maintain their erection. And is an orgasm the same as an ejaculation? Some men indicate that they can get an orgasm without ejaculation and sometimes ejaculation is accompanied by a less intense orgasm. And how long is ‘a while’? One man will need a minute, but there are also men who need at least a day to recover. But above all, why is it important? Sex is more than fucking and having an erection is wrongly seen by many men as a ‘must’ to have sex. That is why it is good to go deeper into your question.
The difference between a male and a female orgasm
Men and women are different. Women like to cuddle, men want to fuck. Women have difficulty orgasming and men come prematurely. At least, that’s what we all think. Yet, the orgasm with men and women is almost the same if you look at it through your eyelashes. In both men and women there is talk of pelvic floor muscles contraction and the feeling of discharge is also present in both. Research by the Minnesota Medical School in the 1980s shows that both men and women do not have a different patterns in muscle contraction. There are, however, (large) individual differences, but they are independent of gender. The research distinguishes between Type I and Type II orgasms. Type I is a short orgasm (5 to 15 seconds) with regular contractions. Type II is a prolonged orgasm (up to 90 seconds) with very irregular contractions. Some people (both men and women) experience a combination of Type I and II, but most people usually only experience one of the two.
Other studies show that there is no difference in heart rhythm, blood pressure and respiration in an orgasm and a ’94 study by Stanford showed that both men and women produce comparable amounts of oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that causes us to feel love and togetherness. There have even been studies that have found that men and women use the same words to describe their orgasm.
However, there is a difference in the sexual response cycle. Masters described four stages of sexual arousal in 1966: 1) arousal, 2) plateau, 3) orgasm and finally 4) relaxation. In the following years there has been much criticism of the model, as a result of which the model has been adjusted. For example, you could have a phase of desire before the excitement phase. And Masters described that during the excitement phase in women there was fluid production, but he overlooked that the blood flow to the genitalia also increased. Others have come up with their own models, which are much more complex and dynamic, but therefore also less easy to explain.
What it all comes down to is that men and women perform differently in the plateau phase. That is the moment before orgasm. Some people (women more often than men) have difficulty ‘going over the edge’ and get stuck in that moment. Another difference is that (some) women can come back to the plateau phase more easily after an orgasm and from there can reach an orgasm again, and repeat that several times. We call that a multiple orgasm. Men generally need more time in the recovery phase to return to the plateau phase. They start as it were ‘at zero’ and have to go through the phases of ‘desire’ and ‘excitement’ again.
The recovery phase in men is quite different, because it depends on many factors. For example, alcohol or drug use can have an impact, but also the physical condition and health of the man. But the degree of desire after an orgasm can also differ and the intensity of the previously experienced orgasm influences the length of the recovery phase. After a very intense orgasm, for example because the orgasm was delayed for a long time, it can take longer to get aroused again.
Is a second erection important?
The big question is, for whom is it important that he gets another erection: you or your husband? For men it can play a role that they feel virile if they are able to be ‘ready’ again (and quickly). However, the pressure to have to perform again is counterproductive. Some women feel extra sexy if they manage to get their man ready for a second (or third, and fourth, …). It gives them a certain sense of power and self-esteem. If that does not work then it can lead to disappointment for both men and women.
It is not very realistic for a lot of men to be able to quickly get an erection again after an orgasm. That does not mean that it is over done with. You can of course continue with oral and manual sex, kissing, hugging, making love, etc. Be creative! Especially if you as a woman are still in the middle of your plateau phase, that requires some willpower from him. He has to go on, while he would prefer to lie down to smoke a (proverbial) cigarette.
What can you do?
Of course it can be annoying if you want to continue for a while, but the physical reaction stays absent. You were just looking forward to an entire night of pulling each other apart in the bedroom. So if you think it’s important that he gets another erection, then you can do a number of things:
- Take your time, take a break. Let your husband fully recover from his first orgasm. Lie against each other, eat some chocolate and drink a drink. Energy drinks can help to quickly raise blood sugar levels and a light alcoholic drink helps relieve any tensions. Start again at phase 1 and rebuild the desire and the tension. Feed each other strawberries with your mouth, eat sushi from each other’s belly, or lick honey from his nipples.
- Pay attention to all its erogenous zones (except for the one). Lick his earlobe, squeeze his nipple, kiss his belly, put your nails in his buttocks, massage his soles if necessary.
- Go a step further. To get aroused again, you may need to do something that is just a little more extreme than what you did before. Do that position, or the act, that you almost never do, but which he finds extremely hot. Tie him down and take control of him, whisper horny promises in his ear, blindfold him or put on headphones. Blocking certain senses reinforces the perception of the senses that remain.
- Visually stimulate him. For example, put on a porn movie, or (even better) perform a show for him. Grab your favorite sex toy and show him how you play with yourself. Sit on top of him and give him a look at the most beautiful places of your body. Keep eye contact and be naughty.
- Talk dirty. It can be extremely stimulating to drive each other crazy with words. Ask questions (“would you like it if …?”) Or describe what you see (“It’s so hot to see how …”).
- Use stimulating creams or lubricant. Some lubricants have extra additives that have a stimulating effect. Durex Pleasure Gels or Durex Play Tingle are a must-have in your bedside table for situations like this. Pjur SuperHero also has such an effect. The light menthol provides an extra stimulus that can help you to get it hard again quickly. You can also consider going a little further and using toothpaste or menthol cream, but that is a matter of taste.
- Use an erection pill. If all of the above doesn’t work, or you want a real hard erection, consider Kamagra. This erection pill allows your husband to have an erection for hours, even if he has finished making several. You are not excited by Kamagra, but that erection is like a house.
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