Thinking of BDSM, many people envision latex cloating, whips, pain, extreme sex, chains and gags. Sex slaves that are being chained in some dungeon to be humiliated by a dominant male or female. For some, BDSM is even borderline abuse. Everyone that have actually done BDSM, might say that some of this might be true, but that there are many different ways to experience BDSM. With Gentle Domination for example, the focus is on discovering (each other’s) boundaries, carefully trying out (soft) BDSM, and encouraging one another to try new things.

What is Gentle Domination?

Dominance and submissiveness seem to be two indispensable concepts. In reality there are many different dominant and submissive roles, with different nuances. In Gentle Domination or Sensual Domination the focus is on role playing and the dominant is often more of a coach and teacher for the submissive.

With Gentle Domination you can think of BDSM, but without the pain, harsh torture, or humiliation. It is a form of BDSM that is much softer and more nurturing. Gentle Domination is also often much more subtle and requires more patience and skills.

Often role playing games are played, where there is some kind of power exchange, like in a role playing game of teacher versus student. There is an erotic component to it, but it doesn’t necessarily need to lead to sex. It is all about pleasure, but without the elements of (intense) pain.

Why people want to experience Gentle Domination

From the perspective of the submissive, there might be many different reasons to want to take away control. Some submissives like to be loved and nurtured. And dominants don’t always like to inflict pain to their partners. In Gentle Domination it is about the dynamics of power and experimenting with kink.

Many people are raised with the idea that it is not right to have power over other people. For them, role playing with Gentle Domination can help to step outside their comfort zone.

For others, it is a foundation to experiment with BDSM, before they are actually into some of the more taboo activities. And sometimes, someone just wants to put control in the hands of their partner. Especially in a long term relationship, things can become boring at times. And then there are persons that see Gentle Domination as a more nurturing ‘mommy play’ or ‘daddy play’ kind of thing.

10 examples of Gentle Domination activities

When you are the dominant party, immerse in your role. Take the initiative. There’s no need to become harsh, but you can use a strong grip. Take your partner tightly by the arm, take a fistful of hair and pull it gently, or grab your partner softly by the throat. Don’t start with cuffs and whips. It is not about pain, but about power.

Start small. Don’t cross boundaries, but explore them. Say for instance “I want to try something new”. Now watch the response of your partner. Ask your partner what he or she would like to try. Ask for example what kind of role playing your partner would like to try. By doing so, you create a safe environment to discuss things. It might surprise you what your partner would like to try. When you are more experienced in these games, you will start to learn what brings your partner in the mood.

1. Say what you are doing. Constantly let your partner know what you are planning to do. Show your partner how you are in charge and that you are the one with a plan that determines what will happen. This gives your partner the opportunity to fully surrender. But it also gives your partner the opportunity for feedback (feedback loop). This is the basis for trust that will allow you to take it one step further each time.
2. Tease and denial. Play games where you tease your partner. When you notice he or she wants something really bad, wait for it (denial). Also consider playing with different temperatures (temperature play), for instance by using a glass or metal dildo that you can heat up or cool down. Or let your partner crawl around on a leash or dog belt. Play role playing games.
3. Give (non-sexual) instructions. Start your play with some clear instructions, that tells your partner you are in charge. Tell your partner for instance what clothes to wear. Lay them out on the bed,, for instance. Tell your partner to strip for you. Use a sex toy on your partner, like a feather tickler. Or give instructions on how your partner should use a sex toy on his or herself, or on you.
4. Power exchange. Start off with some soft bondage. Use a tie, a belt, a scarf or another piece of clothing to reduce the mobility. Kiss and caress your partner over the entire body. Do it in a way your partner begs for more. In fact, don’t go any further before your partner asks for it. Remember that in Gentle Domination it is not about pain, but if you want your partner to experience any pain, it should be the torture of not getting what he or she desires most.
5. Move your partners body. Be strong, decisively, but yet gentle. You determine the position your partner should take. Role him or her over. Push the legs apart. Keep the hands above the head, or on the back.
6. Pull hair. Take a fistful of the hair of your partner, in the neck. Pul it softly, bending the head backwards. When your partner moans, you can try it a little harder.
7. Spanking. Again, in Gentle Domination it is not about pain. But a mild quick slap on the ass fits perfectly in this type of play.
8. Place your hand on the throat. Put your hand on the throat, but with mild pressure only. You must never cut of breathing. Your grip should say “I am in charge and I know what you like”, and not “you will do what I want, whether you like it or not”.
9. Use a blindfold. By applying a blindfold all other senses will respond more intense. Now use a feather tickler, a glass or metal dildo, or a vibrator.
10. Perform oral sex. Now your partner is tied, or blindfolded, it is the perfect time for oral sex. Do it slow and tease your partner untill he or she begs to get fucked by you. Do the unexpected, by using a vibrator or dildo while performing oral sex.

Although Gentle Domination is mild, it can still be very intense. Because you will explore (each other’s) boundaries, it is always a good idea to agree on a safeword.

Suggestions for sex toys to use in Gentle Domination

Use soft materials to tie or blindfold your partner with, like a satin scarf. It is more about the general idea of being tied, not so much chaining your partner down completely.

Pictured is a set consisting of cuffs and a mask made of soft and seductive soft materials.

A feather tickler looks a bit like a feather duster: it is a bunch of feathers on a stick. The goal of using the feather tickler is to use it to stimulate the senses. By touching your partner all over the body with it, you will stimulate the nerve endings. That will make the entire skin more sensitive.

Pictured is the high quality tantra feather from LELO.

In a role playing game. clothing can help you get into character quickly and easily. Will you play the school girl and he the teacher? Or are you the nurse and he the doctor? Or are you the police officer and he the crook?

Pictured is a strict outfit made of datex, consisting of a jacket and hat. Combine this with a red datex skirt for example, to make an even more strict look.

A glass dildo is perfect for Gentle Domination. It is hard, fit for temperature play, heavy, and particularly safe and hygienic. On top of that, they are very beautiful and stylish almost without exception.

Pictured is one of my favorits: the Iclicles nr. 38. It is a great combination of a beautiful glass dildo ad a flogger with leather strings to softly hit or stroke your partner with.