You might have experienced it. You are somewhere in a crowded place. A bar. A train station. A park. Suddenly you struck by the feeling that someone is looking at you. You look up and stare straight in the eyes of a stranger. Most of the times, those strangers will look away. But every now and then you stare at each other for a while and you feel a little tension. Eye contact. It is probably the most powerful way of connecting.
There is ample evidence that eye contact is irresistible. We are attracted by people who look straight at us, more than to people who look away. Even since we are a newborn, we pay more attention to faces that look at us, than to those that look away.
Research shows that it takes only 3.2 seconds before we are starting to feel uncomfortable when someone is looking us in the eyes. On the other side, we find it rather strange if someone hasn’t looked at us during an entire conversation.
But what is it, that makes eye contact so incredibly irresistible?
Eye contact is a primal way of communication
Making good eye contact is a social skill everyone should master. Women in general have less difficulty with this than men. That is supposed to result from the male hormone testosterone. The more a fetus is exposed to this hormone, the less the baby will try to make eye contact. Oddly enough, there is one exception: Male babies with an extreme level of testosterone. These young ‘alpha males’ rather will try to make eye contact in a dominant way.
Especially when talking is difficult, for instance because of the distance, ambient noise, or because of a language barrier, we people trust on non verbal communication. By letting our eyes speak we are able to say even more than with words alone. Just like ‘humming’ and nodding, eye contact will show you actually listen and have true attention. Other than with verbal communication (speaking), you also do not have to wait until the other one is done talking. You can have simultaneous – bidirectional – communication with your eyes.
Eye contact makes you more dominant
People that make eye contact shamelessly and for a long time, are given several traits. We consider these kind of persons dominant, but also warm and likable, attractive and kind, competent and important, reliable, trustworthy and honest and more emotional stable.
Eye contact will not only make you more attractive to your (conversational) partner, it will also improve the quality of the interaction. Someone who understands the fine art of applying eye contact properly, will make contact more easily, both on professional as on intimate levels.You will be capable of flirting, but also to intimidate your enemies. Think about the stare down that preceding a boxing game.
Eye contact requires to overcome discomfort
Yet, we feel uncomfortable quite quickly (after 3.2 seconds to be precise).The human eyeball shows – different from other primates – a large part of white. This makes it more clear for us humans what it is we are focusing on and with what intensity. This allows us make a more clear connection. But it can also be more intimidating and even bold or insolent and rude.
In order to have eye contact for a longer time, we have to overcome some kind of discomfort. When you make eye contact, the other will probably at first look away in a reflex, because they don’t want to come across as rude or impolite. But if you keep trying, the other will at some point answer by looking back. It is however important that the eye contact is welcome, otherwise it will become staring which can be creepy.
Eye contact will create some kind of psychological excitement. The brain activity will increase, the heart accelerate, perspiration will start and breath will speed up.This doesn’t only happen when someone looks at you directly, but also when we think someone’s looking. This can be pleasurable, when the person that is looking is appealing, but it can also give us the feeling that we are a prey that is being approached by a predator. That is why it is always wise to build up the eye contact. Start with just a few seconds, and once the other one seems to enjoy the eye contact and reciprocates, you can build it up. When someone doesn’t answer your attempts after a few times, give up.
Eye contact shows self confidence
This also means that if you dare to make eye contact, you probably have enough confidence. You have overcome your timidity. In reverse, we find it difficult to look at someone directly, when we are embarrassed or insecure. Dominant persons make eye contact more easily. When someone doesn’t dare to make eye contact, it could be a sign that they feel not equal. Or at the least that will be the signal they give.
But eye contact also shows that you have attention for the other. Despite the fact that we are more connected than ever before, we still are hungry for real attention and intimate relationships. That’s why it can be nice if someone shows that he or she is looking for a true connection with you. How awkward can it be when you talk to someone that is constantly looking around? It often gives you the feeling that the other one s not interested and is looking for something or someone else.
The eyes are the window to the soul
Your eyes can ‘speak’. You can see if someone is tired, amused, sad, or excited. By looking deep into someone’s eyes, you will often be able to see what the other one is thinking and feeling. By opening up for eye contact, you expose your vulnerability. It will be very hard to hide your true feelings when you look into someone’s eyes.
But they can also show that you are lying or that you’re embarrassed for something. That’s why, when someone doesn’t look at us, we sometimes have the feeling that the other person has something to hide. This is why your mother used to say to you “Look at me when I am talking to you!” She wanted to know if you had been naughty.
It’s proven that people who lie or are sarcastic, avoid aye contact. They do this because they lack the confidence to tell the truth.
Eye contact is the ultimate foreplay
Just because you are able to speak with your eyes in a non verbal way, and they give a clear insight in your soul, it is the perfect way of foreplay. You can glance from afar and exchange meaningful looks.
By making a lot and long moments of eye contact, you are able to make a meaningful connection. You will show that you are at ease, comfortable and have confidence. Even without physically touching, you will be able to show what you want. It is possible to undress each other with your eyes, so to speak. When, like said before, the feeling is mutual, it will cause all sorts of psychological and physical processes, that will make us turned on.
Who looks away first (it better not be you)
Eye contact can be a game of power and playfulness. Who ever looks the longest, is most dominant and has the most confidence. It is not a staring competition (you may blink). Look each other straight in the eyes, or – if that is hard, because you are sitting very close – from one eye into the other. Don’t take turns too often, because that will make you look nervous. Some advice to look at the bridge of the nose between the eyes, when it is hard to look straight at someone, but the other could notice. It might look like you are kind of absent.
Try to look into the eyes and not to the face (‘is there something between my teeth?’) or the body (‘hello, my ayes are up here, you know!’). If you are looking for eye contact, and the other person looks down and back up, it means the other one is interested. If the other looks left or right, it means he or she isn’t sure yet. When the other looks up, you just got eye rolled and that means the other person is not interested.
Eye contact is good, but never overdo it. It can easily become weird and awkward. That is why it is sometime a good idea to not sit opposite of your partner, but each of you at a corner of a table (in a 90 degree angle). This way you can easily look away by looking straight ahead, or into the unknown when you are thinking.
Eye contact during oral sex is the hottest
The most ultimate way of making eye contact, is when you are having oral sex with your partner. When you make eye contact at that very moment, you will be able to show how much you enjoy the act. And it will give you the opportunity to see if your actions have the desired effect.
Because your mouth is occupied, you can speak with your eyes. Omdat je je mond vol hebt, kun je spreken met je ogen. It’s like talking dirty, but without words.Does your partner say ‘it was boring 10 minutes ago, and now it’s beginning to hurt’, or ‘I’m just a few moments away of shooting my load into your throat’? The eyes will surely tell!
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