Are you curious about BDSM, but not sure where to start? Then you’ve come to the right place. BDSM is a super fun way to be intimate with your partner and playfully explore each other’s boundaries.

The essence of BDSM

The essence of BDSM revolves around the interplay of power, control, consent and intense sensations, where safety, trust, and communication are central. BDSM is an umbrella term, standing for Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, and Sadism & Masochism. There are infinite variations and degrees within BDSM. So what you understand by it, or what you want to get out of it, can be very different from the essence for another person. This is why communication about expectations and boundaries is extra important when you are taking your first steps into the world of BDSM.

The core of BDSM lies in exploring power and boundaries within a safe and attuned context, which allows for special intimacy and trust precisely because of the combination of control and surrender.

BDSM without monetary investments

To start BDSM, it is not necessary to sacrifice a bedroom and make a ‘dungeon’ in it. As mentioned, BDSM is all about the game of power, control and consent. You can already achieve this through a few simple actions:

• Spanking
• Edging
• Dirty talk
• Temperature play
• Gedwongen orgasme

The essentials

There are a lot of different toys and accessories for sale under the headings of ‘bondage’ or ‘BDSM’. This can be quite intimidating and cause choice stress. Not to worry. I will help you on your way.

Below, I have listed some categories of different manifestations of BDSM and the toys or tools you can use in the process.

Playing with the senses

Just to start with a few difficult words; sensory deprivation involves the deprivation of sensory perceptions. The most approachable of these is depriving someone of their sight, through a blindfold. In fact, everyone should own a blindfold. The wearer of a blindfold sees less or nothing at all. As a result, every touch, kiss, stroke, lick or slap is magnified and the wearer can only shudderingly wait to see what is to come.

And, for the price you don’t have to leave it at that. You can buy a satin eye mask for as little as a few euros.

You can also block someone’s hearing by putting headphones on them.

Another sense you can play with is feeling. The skin is our largest and most sensitive organ. Especially when someone is blindfolded, small touches can already be very sensitive. For example, think about tickling with a feather. Gentle movements over your partner’s erogenous zones with a so-called tickler are very sexy.

The skin can also be perfectly stimulated through massage. Use a fragrant massage oil to make the massage comfortable and sensual. Or make it just a little more exciting with a massage candle. You use these by slowly dripping the candle wax onto the skin. The candle wax of massage candles has a special low melting point, which makes the skin less likely to burn. The melted candle wax then acts as massage oil. There are also BDSM candles. These still have a low melting point, but the fat solidifies on the skin.

Want something a little more spicy, and love playing with nipples? Then consider nipple clamps. Anyone with nipples – regardless of your gender – can enjoy and get aroused when their nipples are played with in the right way. Some nipple clamps are truly a piece of jewellery. However, you can also make your own nipple clamps quite easily. But why should you? Nipple clamps are not expensive at all and they come in all kinds of shapes and materials.

Bondage

Restricting someone’s freedom of movement immediately creates a special power relationship that can be extremely erotic. While a simple belt or tie can already suffice to restrict someone’s freedom of movement, nothing beats owning your own cuffs. For beginners, a set of simple handcuffs is already a great first step. And if you want more after that, there is plenty to choose from.

Personally, I am a big fan of so-called ‘bed restraints’. These are adjustable sets, usually made of soft material, that you can easily attach to your bed.

Impact play

If you want to experiment more with (mild) pain, start experimenting with a spanking paddle. There are lots of different kinds of these kinds of ‘paddles’ to gently spank your partner with. And with a little imagination, you can also get started with things you just have around the house. If you’re not that handy or creative, there are some really nice paddles for sale.

Floggers are versatile whips that consist of a bundle of strips. You can stroke with them, as well as viciously whip them. If you have some skill with it, you can make skin super-sensitive without causing too much pain.

Starter kits

Still don’t know where to start? Then a starter kit might be more for you. These are bondage kits with lots of fun toys that will get you started in your BDSM journey. There are very simple and cheap kits, but there are also all-in-one cases that contain everything you’ve been fantasising about.

Safety and consent first

If you start with BDSM, discuss with your partner beforehand what rules and boundaries are for you. You can use a ‘yes/no/maybe list’ for this, for example. Anyway, before you start BDSM, it is a requirement to discuss with each other what you want to try and what your outer limits are. Never do things against the will of yourself or your partner. Explore those parts of BDSM that seem exciting to both of you. But also agree that if one of you wants to stop, that’s perfectly fine too. Also regularly ask your partner if they are still okay. If necessary, use a traffic light system (‘red’ = stop, ‘orange’ = take it easy, I am at the limit, ‘green’ = keep going).

Above all, do a lot of research on what something is and what to look out for. Sometimes small things can already be very important (like fire safety if you work with candles and someone is tied up on the bed).

BDSM can be very nice, but also quite intense. When you are ready, take good care of each other. Take care of each other’s sore spots, make sure you have enough fluids and sugar, and talk to each other about how you experienced it. Discuss at what moments it was totally awesome, but also don’t forget to mention when it got (too) intense for you. What would you like to do again and what could be different for you next time? Some people experience a BDSM drop, which is caused by the sudden loss of endorphins, dopamine and adrenaline.

Snuggle up to each other under a blanket with thick socks and a nice cup of hot tea until you have ‘landed’ a bit again.

Links

Want to know more? Then check out these posts:

• Alphabetical list with kink and BDSM terminology and their meaning
• 99 BDSM ideas for humiliation
• The difference between kink, fetish and BDSM
• 19 facts about BDSM

Are you looking for fun affordable and exciting BDSM toys? Then take a look here.