BDSM is a term that you increasingly come across. Yet media and films often give a distorted picture and there is still a lot of misunderstanding. That is why we have listed a number of facts about BDSM for you.

1. BDSM – what does that mean again?

BDSM is an abbreviation that can be explained in a number of ways. People who practice BDSM usually fall into only one of the categories described below, and often in a specific part of it. Rarely, if ever, someone is a fan of all parts of BDSM.

B: The ‘B’ stands for Bondage and that is the collective term for limiting freedom of movement – for example by strapping – to get (sexually) excited.

B&D: In combination with the ‘B’ of BDSM, the ‘D’ stands for Discipline. Bondage & Discipline are two aspects that belong together when it comes to activities that have to do with “limiting”. Bondage is about physical limitation and discipline is about mental limitation, by imposing “rules” and associated “punishments”. For example, a punishment can be getting beaten with a whip, but also “humiliation”.

D&S: The letters ‘D’ and ‘S’ stand for Dominance & Submission. People who love D&S are quite fans of the “shift” button on their keyboard. The dominant party is often capitalized and the submissive in lowercase. So D&s or D/s. The dominant party is also often referred to as Dom and the submissive by sub. A female Dom is called Dominatrix. D&S deals with behavior, customs and rituals that are related to giving and accepting control to and over each other in an erotic lifestyle. It is about exploring the mental aspects.

S&M: ‘S&M’ stands for sadomasochism, or for sadism and masochism. Unlike D&S, S&M is all about inflicting physical pain. Often the sadist is also the dominant party, but that isn’t necessarily true. It may be that a dominant masochist orders his submissive to torment him. And sometimes there is no question of a power relationship at all.

2. Sometimes there is sex, but sometimes there’s not

Well, this is also a bit about the definition of ‘sex’. If you consider sex as ‘penis-in-vagina’, then it is true that BDSM is not always about sex. For some BDSM practitioners, there is even a hard line between them. On the other hand, BDSM is an intense physical experience, which is very sensual and erotic. It can release very strong feelings in people.

Someone once made the comparison with a massage: Although a massage can also be very erotic, it doesn’t have to be sex. For others, a massage is a part that leads to sex. It is the same with BDSM. For some it is inextricably linked to sex, for others … not so much.

3. People who practice BDSM are not unhealthy or evil

The image that sometimes exists about people who practise BDSM is that they do it because there is something wrong with them. That they have, for example, experienced abuse or rape and that they have suffered some bumps on the old noggin. Nothing is less true.

BDSM occurs in all layers of society among people of all backgrounds. Research found that practitioners of BDSM are less neurotic, more outgoing, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less prone to rejection, have higher subjective well-being, and are less accommodating.

Although the concepts of sadism and masochism appear in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM – an overview of mental disorders), a diagnose is not assigned unless someone’s urge leads to mental distress or victims. The majority of BDSM people therefore do not have a mental disorder, because their interest does not lead to problems for themselves or others. BDSM only takes place between two (or more) consenting people. Neither dominants. neither submissives have mental disorders.

People with an interest in BDSM have not been victims of abuse more often than others. A Portuguese study in 2015 shows that the majority of BDSM people only develop their interest later in life, far after their first sexual experiences.

4. BDSM is about boundaries

BDSM is not all or nothing. For example, if you would like to have played a submissive role in a certain situation and with a particular partner, this does not mean that you A) always want to be submissive to everyone and B) that you as a submissive have to enjoy everything.

BDSMers are generally better at setting boundaries than lovers of ‘vanilla sex’. Simply because setting boundaries and exploring is an inseparable part of the experience. They consciously choose which absolute limits they have and which ones they would like to explore. Sometimes this is even laid down in a so-called ‘BDSM contract‘. In the BDSM scene, the terms ‘safe’, ‘sane’ and ‘consensual’ and ‘Risk-Aware Consensual Kink’ (RACK) are often used in this context.

5. The incomprehension is not mutual

Although there is a lot of misunderstanding from people who are not so familiar with BDSM about the activities that take place in the scene, that is not mutual at all. Yes, BDSM people sometimes refer to ‘vanilla sex’ when referring to what is generally referred to as conventional or ‘normal’ sex. But they don’t usually mean that in a derogatory way.

Moreover, there is a very large gray area between vanilla sex (say: missionary position without too much fuss) and ‘die-hard’ BDSM. Because by now almost everyone has a set of furry handcuffs or a blindfold in the bedroom.

6. Fifty Shades of Gray completely misrepresents BDSM

The good thing about the Fifty Shades trilogy is that it has sparked people’s interest in kinky sex. As a result, people may have become a bit more open-minded. But it does end there. Besides that the book is just very badly written, the book is based on all kinds of prejudices. Christian Gray was abused as a child, the relationship between Christian and Anastasia is very unhealthy and the sex scenes are anything but realistic. Great if you want to learn more about BDSM through the book, but please don’t consider it your main source of information.

7. BDSM encounters are called ‘scenes’

When BDSM people talk about a ‘scene’, they refer to a place or an event where BDSM activities take place or have taken place. A scene can be anywhere; in a club, or at someone’s home. Sometimes the term ‘scene’ is also used to refer to the entire BDSM community.

The term scene can be compared to a scene from a film or a story. Because that is also about adhering to a creative expression.

The balance of power between a dominant and submissive partner, or role-playing, is often central to a scene. Before a scene, the participants agree on which rules apply.

8. Dominant, submissive, top, bottom?

Earlier we talked about the dominant (dom) and the submissive (or sub). The dom is the one who is in charge and hands out the orders. The sub is the one who executes the orders.

But BDSM people also sometimes use the terms ‘top’ and ‘bottom’. Where dom and sub is about who is in control, top and bottom is about who is taking the action. In that case, a top is the person who ‘does something’, while the bottom is the person with whom something is done.

To complicate matters, there are also people who call themselves ‘switch’, to indicate that they want to be the top or dom at one time and the bottom or sub at the other.

9. Research is an important part of BDSM

If you’ve started experimenting carefully and are now ready to go a little further than the furry handcuffs you bought at a toy store, it’s extremely important to do your homework. Because many actions are not harmless. A rope can pinch a nerve, a whip can end up all wrong and a dripping candle can set your entire house on fire.

Without proper preparation, things can really get out of hand. At best, you get minor injuries, but at worst, objects get stuck in body openings where you don’t want them to get stuck, or worse.

BDSM is no such thing as a new vacuum cleaner for which you do not need to read the instructions before use. It’s okay to rely on your intuition, but it’s much better to delve deeply. Only this way can you maximize pleasure and minimize danger.

There are many websites and communities (such as Fetlife) that contain good information. Google, read, ask. And then: start small and build it up carefully.

Never limit yourself to just one source of information. Don’t rely on that one person who seems to know all about it. Not everyone has the best intentions for you. Unfortunately. Use various websites, books or even workshops, meet-ups, clubs, forums and friends to keep yourself well informed.

10. Safe words are a must

It may sound crazy, but in the BDSM scene it is customary to arrange a ‘safe word’. A safe word is a type of password that is intended to indicate that your partner must stop.

You would say that we have now taught everyone that “no” really means “no”. Whether that “ouch” or “stop” says enough? But in a BDSM role play, it may be that these words fit the role of the submissive and that the dominant should ignore it.

That’s why it’s important to agree on a neutral word that can be used as an absolute handbrake. Because only if you are sure that there is an escape, all parties can confidently surrender to the sexual fantasy of the other.

A good ‘safe word’ is a word that is completely out of any sexual context. For the rest, really any other word can do. Keep your safe word short and sweet and indisputable (“BOAR.” “Did you say ‘more’?”). You should also remember that the safe word should also be able to be pronounced with a gag in your mouth or when you cry out with pleasure / pain. The word ‘serendipity’ may therefore not be such a wise choice.

Sometimes a traffic light system is also used. ‘Green’ is “I’m OK and I want you to continue what you do.” ‘Orange’ is “I’m starting to run up against my limits, but for now I want you to continue.” And ‘red’ is “NOW you must stop immediately!” In case you are working with gags and masks it is not uncommon to have an object that you can drop if you want it to stop (throw the proverbial towel).

11. … or even the role of supervisor

Unfortunately, a safe word does not always work. A BDSM scene can be so intense that you forget to pronounce your safe word. The natural reaction of humans and animals when there is danger is to flee, fight, or freeze. The latter is often forgotten. Even if you have made agreements about borders and agreed on a safe word, it is still possible that you cross a border ‘in the heat of the moment’.

To prevent this, there are sometimes monitors and supervisors in clubs who throw out people who do not work safely. In a private environment it can therefore be good to appoint someone as a kind of referee who closely monitors the boundaries and well-being of all present.

12. Spontaneity and BDSM don’t always go hand-in-hand

In films and books it often happens that the main character is ‘accidentally’ taken to a secret room in the castle of an extremely rich person, to experience an exciting night.

Forget that. That’s really never going to happen. If you want to realize your BDSM fantasy, it requires – besides good research – a lot of preparation and planning. You must ensure that you gather the right people around you, that you make good agreements about limits and safe words and that you use safe materials. Before tying someone up, you should also know how to quickly untie the knots in an emergency.

Hassle? Perhaps. But only with good preparation you can enjoy in a safe way.

13. Communication is extremely important

Communication is of great importance in every relationship. But if there is anything that anyone can learn from BDSM people, it is that you should have an open conversation about what your wishes and limits are. Not only before, but also during and after a scene it is customary to dwell on the fantasies and boundaries. What do you want to experience, what are we going to do, how are we going to do that, what do you absolutely not want to happen, what limits are you willing to explore?

It is important that you discuss such matters well before a scene. Sometimes checklists or BDSM contracts are even used for this.

14. It doesn’t stop when it stops

Even after the scene, communication remains of the utmost importance. This is also referred to as ‘aftercare’. Precisely because BDSM can be extremely intense, participants (both dom and sub) can be overcome with strong emotions. Most experts agree that after a scene you should have some kind of ‘debrief’; a debriefing in which everyone involved can freely discuss how they experienced it.

15. BDSM-ers can be monogamous too

If you are ‘into’ BDSM, that does not mean that you do that with all and sundry. It is a big misunderstanding that BDSM people usually do this with several partners. In fact, BDSM requires trust, which is precisely why it is something that you mainly do with a permanent partner. Many BDSM people are therefore monogamous. There are also couples who share their interests with like-minded people, for example in clubs. Or at home.

16. The choice of tools is huge

BDSM is different for almost everyone. And that also applies to the tools that are used. There are light floggers, leather whips, canes, paddles, crops, feathers and much more.

These different types of whips require – again – practice and preparation. Some people even attend workshops for it. You need to understand how you can and cannot use such a whip. You won’t be the first where fantasy was finer than reality.

There are certain places on the body that you absolutely want to avoid when hitting a whip. The area around the kidneys is one of those places you don’t want to hit. You also have to be careful that a whip does not ‘wrap’ around someone’s waist; the top will accelerate and become extremely painful on the body.

17. There is so more than just whips

BDSM is not about whips. There are plenty of BDSM people who have never used a whip and do not need one. Are whips not your thing? Maybe you’re more into bondage and all the different ropes you can tie someone up with? Or are you more of a fan of cuffs? Or maybe you have a soft spot for chastity belts? Or pinwheels? Maybe you are more into fetish clothing?

There is an incredible amount of products available that matches your specific kink. But orient yourself well before you buy something. Read reviews and blogs and get well informed if you want to make a choice.

18. BDSM is less strange than you may think

Many people walk around for a long time with the desire to do BDSM, without discussing it with their partner. They fear that their partner may find it strange or bizarre. However, the fantasy of (light) bondage and the game of dominance and submission is something much more common than you think. Chances are that your partner has also thought about it.

Put BDSM on the table. If only in the context of telling each other your deepest desires and fantasies. What can go wrong? That you have a bit of a awkward conversation? And what can be won? A great exciting (sex) life!

19. The bottom line is that it is very different from what you might think

BDSM is surrounded by stereotypes, romanticization, porn and many – very many – misunderstandings. If you’re even a little bit interested in BDSM, do your research. Read, visit websites, talk to others on forums. If necessary, make an appointment with a sex worker who specializes in it. Start with small steps. But do it and above all do it safely!