Coming together at the same time. Some think it is a must, others believe it is totally overrated. In any case, the idea is very romantic. But is it very realistic to expect it all the time? Is it necessary at all? And how do you increase the chances of actually coming together?

What is a simultaneous orgasm?

A simultaneous orgasm means that you and your partner come at the same time during sex. Usually, people mean that a man and a woman orgasm at exactly the same time during penetration (PiV – Penis in Vagina sex). But of course you can also have an orgasm at the same time during other ways of sex, for instance in position 69. Of course, it is not only for heterosexual relationships either.

Why do some people think it is so important?

The idea is that simultaneous orgasm is the ultimate act of fusion. You become completely absorbed in each other and experience sex in the same way, so that the climax comes at the same time for both of you. And that is a very intimate feeling.

A simultaneous orgasm gives a feeling of equality. You are completely ‘in-sync’ with each other. And because it is not at all easy to cum together at the same time, it also releases all kinds of positive and special feelings.

How many people actually have simultaneous orgasms?

I probably don’t need to tell you that the reality is often different. A study by Lovehoney among 4,400 people showed that 61% of couples strive for a simultaneous orgasm. No less than 89% have experienced it once and for 37% of couples it happens in half of the times they have sex. To me, these numbers seem rather optimistic. This could be because the people who participate in a survey by a sex toy supplier are probably more sexually active and therefore have more techniques (and sex toys) at home that help them reach a simultaneous orgasm. So the real numbers are probably a lot lower.

Is een simultaan orgasme beter?

Orgasming at the same time can give a feeling of fulfilment, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. However, this does not mean that an individual orgasm (one of you cumming and the other not) is less satisfying. Many people find it wonderful to make their partner come without being satisfied themselves (think of giving oral sex). The feeling of euphoria you can experience when you have made your partner come is even enough for some people.

When you reach the point of an orgasm, you are often preoccupied with yourself. And that is OK. But because of that, you don’t get as much of what your partner is experiencing. The look on their face, their shaking body, the sounds they make… All those things you often miss when you are busy coming yourself.

It is not the end

Another disadvantage of simultaneous orgasm is that the pressure to time your orgasm precisely can distract from the pleasure. This can even lead to so much stress that an orgasm is no longer possible at all.

Men often come faster than women, and if the orgasm does not come at the same time (i.e. if the man comes earlier), it is often called “premature ejaculation”. But why? It can also be pleasant to come first. Or last. And while we are on the subject, why do we think sex is over when one of us has cum? Why do we think an orgasm is the end? An ejaculation is only premature if sex is over afterwards. And it is not! You are perfectly capable of focusing all your attention on your partner with oral sex, or by satisfying your partner by hand or with a sex toy.

How to achieve a simultaneous orgasm?

If you really think it is important to come at the same time (once), you should not leave it to chance. It requires dedication and maybe even some planning. Here are some tips:

1. Communication

We talk far too little with our partners about our needs. Before you share the sheets, it is always a good idea to exchange thoughts about what you like or dislike. How important is a simultaneous orgasm to your partner? And do you? Do you see it as a ‘must’ (an orgasm should always happen simultaneously), or rather as something fun to try and strive for once?

A simultaneous orgasm is, of course, nice, but it is often much less important than taking the time to get in the mood and stimulating each other long and intensely. Maybe some people need more time than others, but that’s fine!

2. The one who takes the longest determines

It is much easier to slow down an orgasm than to speed one up. Therefore, the party who generally takes longer to cum will have to set the pace. Often, this is the woman in a heterosexual relationship, but not always.

So the person who takes a little longer will have to indicate when foreplay can turn into PiV sex. And when the person who comes the quickest feels an orgasm coming on, he or she should pull back a little to postpone it.

3. Foreplay

Actually, I dislike the word foreplay. Because it suggests that there is such a thing as a main game and that is probably the ‘act’, which thus becomes more important than what precedes it. Where does foreplay begin and where does it end? But, having said that, it is important that you work together towards intimacy. That you leave the events of the day – or week – behind you. That you get in the mood.

How you do it is up to you. It can involve shopping together, going to the cinema together, a candlelit dinner, kissing, naughty little talks and then slowly working towards everything else. For a simultaneous orgasm, it is important that you are both in the mood, completely relaxed and quite excited. Foreplay – whatever that may be – can certainly help with that!

4. Sex toys

It may sound contradictory; if simultaneous orgasm is the ultimate way to merge, what is a piece of plastic doing there? Yet many sex toys are the ideal way to close the orgasm gap. Many women can only come during (PiV) sex if the clitoris is stimulated simultaneously. A sex toy can help with that.

Use a small lay on vibrator, or a powerful air suction toy , or a special couples’ toy for just that little extra stimulation to speed up your orgasm.

5. Positions

One of the reasons why partners do not reach orgasm at the same time is often because the stimulation is not equal for both partners. For example, in the doggy style position, the clitoris will hardly be stimulated, but the G-spot might be.

Discuss with your partner in which position you will cum faster (or less fast, depending on what you want) and look for positions and ways that work for you. For example, in certain positions you can give yourself or your partner extra stimulation with your hands or with a toy. Also try to use cushions for support and to change the angle just a little.

6. Mutual masturbation

A simultaneous orgasm during penetration (PiV sex) is not for everyone, because you are not completely in control of your stimulation. A particularly horny way of coming together at the same time is by looking at each other while you are masturbating. It is best to touch and kiss each other, so that there is still some form of contact. And you can also use sex toys.

7. The orgasm is not the most important thing

This may sound contradictory, but sometimes it helps not to worry about the orgasm at all. Let it go. Prevent the pressure to perform from becoming so high that you can’t do it at all anymore. Enjoy. Experience the moment. And if you do not cum simultaneously, so what. Big deal. Better luck next time.

The sex is not bad if the orgasm is not at exactly the same time. Every orgasm is different anyway, so the intensity of your orgasms can also vary. So if your focus is entirely on simultaneous ejaculation, it could only be a disappointment if it does not turn out exactly as you imagined in your fantasy.

8. A second time (or third, or forth, …)

If one of you cums faster or more easily than the other, try the following: Make sure that person comes first. Then you have already done that, so you can start again. The pressure is off. It will take longer for that person to cum again and that will give you time to work on a joint orgasm.

9. Start earlier

Do you know the story of the hare and the tortoise who had a contest? If you are the tortoise in the sense of cumming slowly, then you have to be smart. Start earlier. If you’ve agreed to a nice evening together, why not start in the afternoon with a relaxing bath and some naughty reading. Maybe watch some porn, or play with yourself and fantasise about what the evening will bring? When your partner arrives, you will already be warmed up!

10. Lube up!

Lubricant can really do wonders. Especially when you use lubricant with extra additives like menthol or cinnamon. There are also clitoris gels that warm you up extra fast, which makes you come faster and more intensely. Many women cum easily by using lubricant.